Friday, August 30, 2013

Fee, Fie, Foe, Friday: Pumpkin Overload Already, and Earlier!

This is a repost from last September 21. I was so shocked to find that there are already a slew of pumpkin flavored food products on the shelves and it is still August. And the bloggers are already grinding out pumpkin posts. Kinda like when the stores put out the Christmas decorations the day after Halloween. Pushing the season. Corn and tomatoes are at their prime. Fall does NOT start at Labor Day. Fall comes on September 22. Wear those white pants, and wallow in tomatoes and basil now, please. Leave the pumpkin on the shelf right now, OK?
Proper pumpkin. Plain canned or whole fresh.  Delicious.
Never, ever in coffee or a so-called martini.

It's not that I don't like pumpkin. I do. I have wicked good pumpkin recipes for soups, desserts, breads cakes and stews that are utterly delicious. But then there are places where pumpkin should never be. Like in coffee. Or in a Martini. It's a big old squash, for God's sake. So far, on yesterday's trip through three different grocery stores in one day (don't ask why), I've seen pumpkin in oatmeal, cereal, puddings, tea, coffee, milkshakes, candy fillings, pie, cake, muffins, bread, ravioli, vodka, beer, candles, body rub and soap. Some of them are actually tasty, but not many. This junk arrives right after Labor Day and mercifully disappears right around Thanksgiving. What on earth did I do to deserve Pumpkin Overload?

The two places  I find pumpkin most offensive is in coffee and in so-called Martinis. Yes, I'm a curmudgeon. I thought we established that a long time ago. First off, coffee is coffee.  It's meant to taste like coffee. If you don't like the taste of coffee, don't drink it. Leave it alone for those of us who can appreciate its own unique flavors. Don't monkey with it. If you have to fool with it, then at least stick to some permutation of milk, cream or sugar as an additive. Pumpkin flavored coffee ranks as high with me as tacky Christmas sweaters, dogs in clothes, and lengthy holiday email letters with more personal information in them than a CIA dossier.

That brings me to pumpkin martinis. This is actually a complaint about calling a drink a martini that has anything other than gin, dry vermouth and an olive in it. if you prefer vodka, a vodka martini is permissible, but just barely. Call me a purist, but just because it comes in a martini glass does NOT make it a martini. I realize that both the fancy coffees and dessert-y cocktails make their purveyors a lot of money. I know this. That gloppy, sugary, creamy, alcohol-laden girly drink in an oversized "martini" glass should have a name of its own, to differentiate it from an actual, classic Martini cocktail. No self-respecting adult would ever be caught drinking one of those. Never. Not even if the recipe came from a morning talk show hostess. They're gross. Especially the pumpkin flavored ones. Woman Up or Man Up and pour yourself a Scotch. Just stop maligning the Martini with that pumpkin flavored swill.

Just wanted you all to know how I feel about all of this  pumpkin stuff. A pumpkin is a wonderful thing. Plain canned pumpkin is an even more wonderful thing, because you can actually make mad good food from it without the mess of cooking a whole pumpkin. Just avoid cocktails and coffee and you're safe with me. I myself will be making a Pumpkin and Crab Bisque soon, but right now I'm heading out to my neighbor Bob's yard to sit in his pumpkin patch. Am going to wait for the Great Pumpkin, so I can apologize for those pumpkin-flavored atrocities.


  1. The two 'foods' I would find pumpkin most offensive in are milkshakes and candy fillings. The rest are fine. I take my alcohol any way I can get it! (∩∩)

    1. Oh you are so right on the milkshakes and candy. I once saw a TV cook dump a piece of pumpkin pie into a blender with yogurt and milk to make a pumpkin pie smoothie. But pumpkin + liquor, no thanks. Too gross. LOL